I am a terrible secret keeper. This is mainly because I think the more information out there the better. And I think that anything that anyone would want to keep a secret is kind of ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for personal privacy. I don’t need to (or want to) know everything about your life (believe me, I really don’t want to hear about it… This may be why my response to most conversations is slack-jawed staring. Take a hint, people!) But really, if it’s supposed to be a secret or on the d-l, why are you telling me? I am not related in anyway, except that I probably know and am friends with the person you are telling me about. And really, the joke’s on you because the minute they buy me a drink, I go a loose-lipped and will confess any secret that I have ever heard, even if it is completely unrelated… to anything… ever. (Loose-lipped is such a funny phrase. Imagine if we all had literally loose lips, they’d be all over the place! At one point, they detach themselves from our faces and rampage through the streets until they took over and ruled the world!!! It’d be like The Blob, only with lips! NOOO!!! … heh … Okay, tequila hangover, please go away now. This is ridiculous.)
Whatever you are telling a secret about is probably not worth it. It is some stupid fact that shouldn’t be a secret, something that will hurt someone else, or a surprise.
First of all, if it’s some little unimportant tidbit, then by telling me, you are making me a part of some little exclusive club. And in case you haven’t noticed, not really into the whole exclusivity thing, considering I spent the majority of my college years in hippiesque, dirty, communal living situations … and have you seen my eyebrows recently? I haven’t done anything with them for at least the past six-months. Point being, I wouldn’t make the A-list for any club in the city, so why would I want to be part of your secret-club? (Although if it is, like, an actual secret society, call me. I’m all about Druid robes.)
Secondly, if it’s a secret that hurts someone, as pointed out before hand, I probably know them and they are my friend. Of course, I’m going to tell them, you asshole! He/she is my friend!!! I don’t want to see them get hurt by a jerkface like you, who would first do something that would emotionally damage them and then not tell them about it. I hope you preemptively take away from this conversation that if you ever do anything to hurt my friends, I will cut you. ‘Nough said.
Finally, if it’s a surprise, THESE ARE MY FAVORITE!!! I LOVE SURPRISES! I love them so much I want them to happen RIGHT NOW! I hate waiting for surprises to happen. Mainly because it involves a party and I like parties. (Although not socializing with other people. Weird, I know…) This is also a problem, though. Because, whoever the surprise is for, I want that person to be as happy and excited as I am for them. So I will probably tell them that you are planning something special for them, hence ruining the surprise. Sorry in advance…
But really the best solution to this whole secret dilemma, and to keep me from hating you or, probably more likely, you from hating me, is to just not tell me, or stop keeping secrets. They’re ridiculous! Kind of the emotional swings of this post. Whoa… (As a sidenote, that probably happened because I got really frustrated at you for being a jerkface for no apparent reason and then had to compensate by getting really, really excited for the surprise party you are not actually throwing.)
Although if you are secretly a superhero or part of a secret crime fighting league, that’s awesome. Keep doing that.
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